I will begin by pointing out that I have been through a divorce. What you read here is not something that I just dreamed up. The subject of this material is based on knowledge and experience plus some wisdom that was kindly provided by my Savior as a result of His love for me, and you.
If your marriage is looking good at the present time you probably don't have much reason to continue reading. You do have good reason to be counting your blessings and praising the Lord. You are especially blessed if you have a spouse who is eager to do the praising along with you. But if that is not the case in your marriage, and if you and your spouse seem to be at odds more often than not, you may want to take the time so see what I have to say here. You are welcome to use all or part of what I have to say in an effort to not only save your marriage but to cause it to be the blessed thing it was immediately following your wedding day.
As the title suggests, I am going to attempt to give you some suggestions to follow in order to keep your marriage from becoming a thing of the past. But wait! Did you know that if you are married and if you and your spouse divorce one another that it will NEVER become a thing of the past? When you and your spouse took the vows together to become a married couple you took a step into a realm of life that will last for eternity.
A vow (Lat. votum, vow, promise; see vote) is a transaction between a person and God or a god whereby the former undertakes in the future to render some service or gift to God or devotes something valuable now and here to his use. The vow is a kind of oath, with God being both the witness and recipient of the promise. For an example see the Book of Judges.
From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vow
You may have thought you were making those promises to your bride or groom but the definition of a vow is the solemn step of making a promise to God. When you make a promise to God he expects you to keep it; just as you can expect Him to keep His promises.
2 Peter 3:9
The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.
When you promised God you would become one with your spouse He took you at your word. He had originally created each of you as an individual. You were two separate human beings. When you fell in love with each other and decided to become husband and wife you took a step into a different kind of existence. This existence we call “marriage” is an institution created by God Himself.
Marriage is a picture of salvation. It is not just a function of human government and a method of properly procreating the human race. The bride and the groom represent a relationship that is most precious to God. You may, or may not, know that those of us who comprise the group of blood-bought Christians are referred to in the Bible as The Bride of Christ. All of those people who, over the past 2000 years, have looked to God's Son for their salvation have become a part of this group. You can learn more about this by reading the book of Revelation.
Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead and now sits on the right hand of His Father in heaven. But the Bible promises that He will return to claim His bride, for whom He shed His blood. This will be followed by a wedding feast in heaven and the promise that the bride and groom will never be separated again through eternity.
Now, referring to those vows you made; the promise you made to God: When you took that step here on earth, He took His step up in heaven. He changed your existence in this universe from an individual to a union of two. He made the two of you to be one. And He will never be able to break that union because by doing so would ruin the picture of the relationship between His Son and the church. You can see the results of this when you look at just about any divorced couple.
I can remember how I felt following my divorce. I can remember the things my ex-wife did that proved how she felt following the divorce. Until I was able to figure out what was going on it was about to drive me crazy. You see, it seemed like I just couldn't shake the anger and frustration that I felt whenever I got around my ex-wife. Whenever I would even hear something about her through word-of-mouth it would upset me. No matter how hard I tried to act like nothing was wrong, I still was not able to completely put those feelings behind me.
If you have been through a divorce, or know of someone who has, you are probably very familiar with this syndrome. I have talked with several people who have been through a divorce and they will admit to feeling the same, or very similar feelings. After I took the time to explain what was going on it made sense to them and they found it easier to manage their feelings.
Here is what I believe causes the problem: When a couple takes the wedding vows God makes them one. There is a spiritual tie between the two individuals. That tie is eternal. It will never be broken. But most folks don't realize it even exists. They get married and then go through the divorce and expect everything to be finished between them and their ex-spouse. But they soon find that something keeps nagging at them. There is still something very annoying and unsettling about the so-called past relationship that just won't die. It usually becomes a very real problem that shows its ugly head whenever those two people come face-to-face or when they are even in the same room together.
If you have any doubt that the above situation is not true, just ask those people who have been through a divorce. Ask if there doesn't seem to be something that continues to nag at them long after the divorce has taken place. You will discover that in most cases it is true. But you are not here to learn about divorce. You are interested in saving your marriage so let's get move on!
We want to talk about how to save a marriage and avoid a divorce. So, let's begin by looking at the word, “save.” Nearly everyone in the civilized world knows about John 3:16. It may be the most commonly mentioned and displayed verse reference of all Bible verses. Take a close look at it and the verse following . . . .
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
These two verses point out that God sent his Son in order that the world (you and I) might be saved. But, what does it mean to be saved? Let's look at some other verses to find out.
Romans 10:9
That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
Romans 10:13
For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Becoming a saved person takes place when you turn your life over to God by trusting in the blood that Jesus shed for you on the cross. It includes a purpose within your heart to repent of your sin and do all you can to follow in Jesus' steps. It begins with a simple prayer from your heart, asking God to save your soul.
That's how you get saved. But what does God do at that point where He recognizes you are sincere about wanting forgiveness for your sinful past? Your sins, and mine, were paid for by Jesus when he died on the cross. Your ticket to heaven was purchased at that time. But your ticket more-or-less sat on the shelf until you called upon the Lord for salvation. That was the moment at which you redeemed your (pre-paid) ticket. That was the moment in time that you held it out before God and he accepted it from you.
Once your ticket was redeemed and exchanged for your salvation God instantly lost all memory of the sins you had committed. Your slate was wiped clean. You were like a new-born baby with no past and only a bright future ahead of you. That's what happens whenever a person trusts in Jesus as their savior. That's what happens when a person is saved, or born again.
So, if you are having marital problems, the way to save your marriage is to simply forget about all of the reasons you had for wanting a divorce just as God forgets about all of your sins when you want to be saved.
That sounds pretty easy - - to say!
But, that is not very easy for us human beings - - to do!
When a couple is on the verge of divorce they usually both have a laundry-list of reasons for doing so. Sometimes the reasons seem to be justified and sometimes not. But it is this list that they each hold out toward the other, pointing to each item on the list, and forgetting about the vows they once made before God.
Let's take a look at the items on this list. Of course every couple will have their own separate lists with items that vary from couple to couple. So we will just make up a short list of imaginary items. We'll put some pretty crazy things on our list. And, by the way, many things on the real lists of real couples sometimes are really crazy-sounding to those of us who are on the outside, looking in. So, here is a short, sample list of why my wife wants to divorce me.
- I always track oil into the house with my boots after working in the shop.
- I change TV channels in the middle of her favorite program.
- I speak too loud when I'm at the dinner table.
- I complain about her cooking.
- I don't take enough showers.
Let me help you. This list, just like any other list of items that one spouse dislikes about the other, contains items that can be placed into two categories:
- Things that relate to the character and personality of the individual
- Things that don't show up until after the wedding
Have you ever been persuaded to purchase something as the result of the skills of a good salesman? Maybe it turned out to be all you expected it to be and maybe not. But the reason you made the decision to purchase the item was the impression that salesman formed in your mind about the product or service he was pushing that day. In your mind you could imagine yourself owning such a product and you could visualize yourself benefiting by it. That's how we make most of our decisions. They are either based upon the expectation of benefiting, or, on wondering what we will miss by passing it by. But in either case our decision process begins with that first impression.
Our first impression about something will always stay with us. In fact we usually base our future expectations upon what we see in our first impression. And, although we may base our actions upon it quite often, it is a very dangerous way to proceed.
The easiest way to describe what an impression would be to recall the times that you have been to a sandy beach. As you walk along the beach your feet leave an impression in the sand. If the sand is damp it leaves a pretty good impression, or foot print. If the sand is dry and loose the impression will be less distinguishing.
Now, there are some people skilled in the art of tracking others by studying their foot prints. They can tell much about the size and weight of a person. They can determine if the person walks with a limp or if the person is carrying an object in one hand or the other. There are a few more things they can determine, but the scope of detail about the real person who left the tracks is very limited. Even for an expert.
The bottom line is this: an impression, first impression, over-all impression, or any other kind of impression is just an impression. It is not a true representation of the whole person who has left the impression.
The impression you had of your spouse before marriage still remains in your memory. Whether you recognize it or not, you have been expecting your spouse to live up to the impression he or she made back then. But it seems that as we learn more and more about a person we discover new things about their character. We find out things about that person that surprise and disappoint us at times. But that's just part of life.
Suppose you purchase a brand new computer. At first you are excited to learn about all of the bells and whistles you never had before. It's like getting married - to a computer. For the first few days or weeks your excitement grows. But the day comes when something goes wrong and the computer you once raved about lets you down just when you needed it most - Just like marriage. It turns out that the longer you own that computer the more things you find wrong with it. Like I just said, “THAT'S PART OF LIFE!”
Now, do you have what it takes to dig into that computer's central processing unit (CPU) and try to fix what's wrong? I doubt it. The group of engineers who designed that CPU did their best to make it work the way you would want it to. But they couldn't predict all of the variables that it would encounter as you installed and used dozens and dozens of software applications that were designed by a different group of engineers. So, under the circumstances at that particular moment the CPU failed you.
That's the same thing that happens in any marriage. God has designed and created your spouse with a plan. He put everything into that CPU He wanted there in order for it to fulfill His plan. When you first married that CPU (your spouse) the excitement grew and grew and everything looked happily-ever-after for a while. But then came the day when you learned that his or her operating system and your software seemed to lock up. Or, should we say lock horns.
And now you want an upgrade! But God didn't make an upgrade. He made your spouse exactly according to His plan. And, he made you exactly according to his plan. The characteristics built into your spouse are there because they were part of the design. Just like software conflicts in a computer, sooner or later there are bound to be conflicts that arise in a marriage. You can't afford to purchase a new computer each time it locks up or crashes and you need to know ahead of time that a divorce based upon incompatibility is just as foolish in God's eyes.
I received an email not too long ago. It was one of those humorous emails that seem to circulate between friends. Enjoy:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
On the serious side, your marital problems most likely stem from what you have learned about your spouse since the wedding. And if you think that replacing him or her with someone else will solve your problems I'm afraid you are in for a sad awakening. Because, just as if you were to purchase a new computer to solve your software problems, expecting someone new to be the perfect replacement for your spouse is as big a mistake. Sooner or later you will find yourself in a similar predicament, but with a different individual.
As you can see from the above illustration it is possible, with God's help, to gradually change some of the things you dislike about your spouse. But these changes only come about slowly as a reflection of the changes you make toward your spouse. It's known as the Golden Rule.
If you are a born-again Christian you know that God accepted you just the way you were when you came to Him. From then until now He has blessed you and tried to mold you into the kind of person He would like you to become. But it all began by His acceptance of you as a sinner.
It's nearly impossible to forget the things you dislike about your spouse. It is possible but not easy to forgive the things you dislike about your spouse. But the most Godly thing you will ever do in your life is to accept the things you dislike about your spouse along with all the other characteristics that God has built into him or her.
Unconditional acceptance is the only true instrument of salvation.